The Sexually: In Their Own Words

i don't really appreciate the insensitivities of my band mates (if you can even call them that, anymore). they bring me into this room- THIS room! Where the Hell am I? ...in this room, that has a Christmas Tree in it. they know full well how much i absolutely despise any plant that whores itself out for man's special occasions. The Christmas Tree is second only to Roses on the plants that i hate! i'm not looking at it. i won't. i'm not. i will not. i don't care if its feelings are hurt. i'm not talking to it either. go away! ALL OF YOU! [wait. don't go. it's a new hat i have. do you like it?] - johnnie




Dylan (left) and Juice (right) are the first to the table as the band sits down for their first meal together in years. The conversation went as follows:

Dylan: Juice, I'm very glad to be here, but I have a bit of a concern.


Juice: What would that be, mate?

Dylan: I'm concerned you guys are trying to poison me.

Juice: Don't be ridiculous, Dylan. We're all eating from the same plates. How could we poison you?

Dylan: Well, you could use some kind of special poison that doesn't hurt you, but kills me.

Juice: I'm not trying to poison you, Dylan?

Dylan: Oh. Thank you.

Juice: For what?

Dylan: For not trying to poison me.

Juice: You're very welcome. How are the new meds treating you?

Dylan: I stopped taking them.



now that the band has successfully poisoned Dylan, the discuss the best way to get rid of the body.




christmas always makes me horny. not that i'm not that way all year round, but i just find that girls are more in a "party" mood this time of year. it works out for me well. i like to get about two or three girls together at my flat. then after some recreational drug use, i ask them all too... [censored] ...usually they'll so no, but then they'll... [censored] ... which sort of gets me in the mood, so i... [censored] ... and then one of the girls always ends up... [censored] ... so then i... [censored] ...and then they... [censored]. it's lots of fun, really. until someone gets... [censored]. - julian




the great thing about christmas is jack daniels. it helps make everything blurry and unfocused. then i get all tingly inside, kind of frisky, and i start to think of all the blessings in my life, like Gina and Melinda and Greta and Paris and Sasha and Mia and... (merry christmas, luvs!) -juice

The Sexually on Slide

check it out...

Tonight: The Sexually Has Dinner!

This evening, the band will unite once again - and this time it's over ribs. As they chow down on some down-home cooking, the mates will discuss their feelings on the holiday season, Santa and whiskey.



Can they remain in a room together long enough to get some footage... only time with tell.




Prepare to celebrate the holiday season with The Sexually!

in their words

The band discovered some photos of them lying around and felt the need to comment. Here are some of their thoughts, in their words.


the pink underwear is to remind myself that men can indeed wear pink, under certain circumstances, when girls are around... and they ask you to wear pink underwear. we ARE the SEXually! -juice


yes, it looks fun, luv. but it takes two zolofts and a half a bottle of whiskey to get a smile out of me when johnnie's in the room. he's actually biting me. - juice


yes, i'm johnnie napalm. back in the public eye. yes, i used to be a rockstar. but i've been to rockstar anonymous and i'm cured. no longer will i torture the world with my songs about my own tortured soul. from here on out (i'm going solo, luv) it will only be songs about peace and happiness and my desire to copulate with planet earth. i don't need a band to do that. one day, me, johnnie napalm, will have the courage to sing about my lover's butt. and the world will rejoice, in me... and my lover's butt. - johnnie napalm.


my name is Dylan Bob (unlawfully pictured left). my band mates, Johhnie (right) and Julianne (center) are always having a laugh at my expense. one of these days they'll find a vintage car bomb in their trousers. Then who's laughing, mates? ...me. i think. yeah, definatetly me. yeah. - dylan


t's difficult, being the front man in an international rock band. all the late nights, boozing and drugging with celebrities and models. a fella gets exhausted, keeping up with all the sexually active women i encounter. that's why i get at least twenty-four hours of sleep a week, preferably on wednesday. - juice